The news portrayed on this website is entirely ficticious, not real, and probably didn't even go through a spellchecker either. The stories are not to be taken seriously, and are for comedic purposes only. All celebrity likeness are impersonated, and all celebrity voices... Well, it's mostly text, so they probably don't exist.
Also, this sight is unaffiliated with The Onion, because it'd actually be funny if it was.